Emotional Dysregulation? Maybe

 It's common for someone with (C)PTSD to have emotional dysregulation and issues with expressing their emotions. I know I do. I've always struggled with expressing my emotions. When you're a child and you're told your emotions are bad, or are punished for expressing them, doesn't it make sense to have an issue with expressing yourself?

When I was a child I was told my emotions were bad, I was punished for expressing them, I mostly received negative reactions to them whether I was sad, angry, frustrated, or happy. This continued for many years, after childhood, but by my adolescence I had learned to suppress them. I had learnt suppression is a good thing, it keeps you safe. Unfortunately, when you bottle them up, the emotions would be let out in extremes. To the point where I would make others uncomfortable or scare them. I myself would be frightened of their intensity and my inability to get a grip on myself again. 

I questioned, during my late adolescence and times of drawn-out emotional suppression, if I was a sociopath. I didn't understand then what was going on. Why didn't I have emotional responses like other people? Why wasn't I feeling anything at times? Emotions, to me, can be incredibly confusing. Most of the time I am questioning what I am feeling and the reaction I am having. I've become detached as a way to cope.

Unhealthy Emotions and Flatness

 Late last year Dr Green switched my medication from Zoloft (sertraline) to Aropax (paroxetine). Zoloft was working great in the beginning, but after some time it became apparent it wasn't working well enough. The doses were either too intense or too low and there wouldn't necessarily be large changes. I'd dissociate more often, have jittery highs, get mired overlong in the lows.

After switching between the two and having the Aropax settle down I became confused about my emotions. I felt flat. I've been dissociating on and off since I remember so I wasn't surprised to be feeling like a robot sometimes. It wasn't that. It's not the emotions are missing, but I feel as though I can't truly feel them.

I've mentioned this flatness to Dr Green during our last two sessions. I've been so perplexed by it. What is this? I wondered if this was the Aropax. Was it the zombie feeling people sometimes described when they went on anti-depressants? 

No.

Finding the Right Help for Mental Illness

I just came from my psychiatrist appointment with Dr Green and every time I see him, and Mrs Yellow, I really appreciate how important it is to have the right kind of help. My mental health care team is the fucking best. FARK. SO. GOOD.

If you need help, get it. Don't just settle for what's there or someone who is good enough either. There is someone out there who is right for you. Someone great at their job, almost seeming like they were born to it, who will actually take the time to listen and prescribe treatment catered to you. Find that person. It is possible. 

Dr Green is my third psychiatrist. The first one didn't work out, but neither of us were prepared for my complicated mental health. The second one was a jerk. I can't... talk about traumatising! Fuckwit 😑 I'm still pissed off. I went to him because I was desperate, but hadn't come to terms with everything yet. I'd not been diagnosed appropriately either. He was bulk-billed and I was in financial hardship. I've learnt since that certain bulk-billed specialists are to be questioned.

Catching Up II

 So it's May....

I was just checking what I posted last and realised my last post was March. What have I been doing in all that time? April felt like it was about four days long. Easter happened, therapy, more painting, plans for the future, Dune, and crochet.

I went to the Easter Show. Let's start there seeing as I went the first weekend after it opened and that's pretty much in the beginning of April. I was really excited about the Easter Show. I was more excited about it than I was about Mardi Gras which is saying something. Gay Christmas and all.

I hadn't been in a few years, I think. I was going to say I haven't been since I was 14, but I feel like I've gone as an adult and possibly repressed it... Either that or I went with someone I'm not fond of anymore. Either way - REPRESSED.

Basically I was excited because it was an event I could actually participate in and I haven't been post-PTSD-treatment. I may be midst treatment, but there's been so much progress. I want to try out things with my fresher level of awareness and with my grounding techniques in place. The Easter Show is also where I remember going to as a kid and watching the parade, but blocking it from my memory. Everything else around the parade I remember, including the large frog hat I wore and being on my father's shoulders, but the parade? Apparently fuck the parade. I didn't see it this time 'round either. I forgot about it.

I didn't flip out and enjoyed myself. I dissociated at times, but not all day. I even went on a ride, The Pirate's Revenge, and didn't hate it. I've now figured out heights can be scary, but it's more the vertigo I get and then the motion sickness from movement. I'll probably not go on a roller coaster, but I will consider more rides.

What else?

From Therapy to The Future

 I just had a full day of therapy and I feel like my brain is about to explode. I need to stare into space for an hour to process. A full day is appointments with my psychologist and psychiatrist, 2 hours tops, but holy shit it's enough to melt my brain. 

They were really good sessions, but I think the reason my brain is melting is because of the topics we discussed. It's really hitting home for me how disruptive and erratic my life has been. I've been living day-to-day, taking everything as it comes. I've needed to in the past and it's what I am accustomed to. Now I've been presented with the idea I can create goals for my life and strive for something in the future. It's just.... WTF dude?

This is where I am in my life. I've been working so hard on reaching the goal of normalcy, stability, well-rounded health for so long I haven't truly believed I could get there. Now I'm almost at a precipice where these possibilities are somewhere on the horizon and every time it comes up my mind is blown. I'm starting to think my head actually hurts after these moments because my brain is being forced to change. It needs to change for me to actually accept all these ideas can be a part of my life. It's flooring. I don't know what I want to do with myself. Part of me wants to cry.

I'm sure this sounds dramatic to someone out there, especially when their life has been full of stability and consistency. That doesn't throw me at all. I'm actually happy for those people, but to me they are also unicorns. We're talking about a unicorn life here. Unicorns all over the place. Unicorn city

Catching Up

I've been distracted lately. Or maybe the right term is busy. In a good way, mostly. 

My back has decided sitting at the dining table to type is not cool. I'm doing physio three times a week and a bunch of exercises three times a day. It's kinda made me not want to type or blog, but today I am taking over my partner's desk as she is in the office. I felt inspired.

I finished a great psychology book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson, and began a new one, Greenlights by Matthew McConaughey. It's a big deal for me after the anhedonia and depression. I realised the other day I had begun a trilogy in January 2020, made it to the sequel, only to lose reading momentum at page 378. 378! That's some effort and yet apparently not enough for me lol. So, yeah, big deal for me.

I've officially started a book club. We're getting things underway, have chosen our first book, and have set the date for our first meet up. I had a book club years ago which I ran for two years. Unfortunately I was so triggered at the time, and unaware of it, that book club wasn't a fun experience for me. This time will be different and I'm quite excited.

My Reading Challenge for 2021

I'm giving myself a reading challenge this year! I used to be very big into them, as well as reading, but have set the bar low this year. I want to make it a joy to read rather than add pressure and overwhelm myself with stress. I'm giving myself permission to alter the goal and forgiveness if I don't finish it. This is something I have learnt during trauma therapy and having PTSD. It's great to set goals, or a challenge for instance, but not to the point of becoming obsessed and being overwhelmed. With my OCD I also get very preoccupied with lists and numbers so this works as a two-fold.... three-fold... maybe more folds... challenge for myself. I'll post about challenges next week. Challenges are important in combating things like OCD and repetitive behaviours.

My goal is to read a combination of pure entertainment books and books for personal growth and therapy. When it comes down to it all books will be read not out of obligation, but because I want to read them.

Challenge Totals: 22
Pure Entertainment: 11
Growth and Therapy: 11

So far I have some planned reading, but I'm keeping the planned numbers low. It helps I'm also creating a book club as motivation, inspiration, and socialisation!