My Personal Challenges for 2022

 2022. It's crazy. 2021 felt like it went incredibly fast and yet felt like it took 5 years. The weirdness that comes from socially isolating and being forced to spending most of your time at home. This isn't something I am new to, thanks to all my illnesses, but I was starting to emerge from the last depressive episode. Plus usually my partner isn't home.

I've been working on learning what I actually enjoy doing since I began therapy and stopped repressing so much. I've gotten better at grounding which means I dissociate less. I still struggle with emotions, both understanding what I am feeling and being overwhelmed. I feel like I've made progress with slowly sifting through my hobbies and joys from before trauma therapy and learning what I truly enjoy.

Painting

I  know I definitely love being creative and painting is part of this. I want to try some mixed media painting, drawing and sketching before painting, and painting on different surfaces. I've decided I am going to attempt to do one painting project a month, but I don't want to be too ambitious in case my mental health interferes so I am aiming between 8 and 12 pieces for 2022

Catching Up II

 So it's May....

I was just checking what I posted last and realised my last post was March. What have I been doing in all that time? April felt like it was about four days long. Easter happened, therapy, more painting, plans for the future, Dune, and crochet.

I went to the Easter Show. Let's start there seeing as I went the first weekend after it opened and that's pretty much in the beginning of April. I was really excited about the Easter Show. I was more excited about it than I was about Mardi Gras which is saying something. Gay Christmas and all.

I hadn't been in a few years, I think. I was going to say I haven't been since I was 14, but I feel like I've gone as an adult and possibly repressed it... Either that or I went with someone I'm not fond of anymore. Either way - REPRESSED.

Basically I was excited because it was an event I could actually participate in and I haven't been post-PTSD-treatment. I may be midst treatment, but there's been so much progress. I want to try out things with my fresher level of awareness and with my grounding techniques in place. The Easter Show is also where I remember going to as a kid and watching the parade, but blocking it from my memory. Everything else around the parade I remember, including the large frog hat I wore and being on my father's shoulders, but the parade? Apparently fuck the parade. I didn't see it this time 'round either. I forgot about it.

I didn't flip out and enjoyed myself. I dissociated at times, but not all day. I even went on a ride, The Pirate's Revenge, and didn't hate it. I've now figured out heights can be scary, but it's more the vertigo I get and then the motion sickness from movement. I'll probably not go on a roller coaster, but I will consider more rides.

What else?

Painting Update

 I did it, I am painting! If you want, check out my previous post about attempting to paint here.

I've painted one and a half paintings. I had something else in my mind to begin with, but ended up creating something out of my practice run. I don't like wasting things, including paint, so I wanted to use what was left over. Hence two and a half paintings.

It's been fun. I'm not sure if I'll share it yet and if I do it will probably be over at instagram. We'll see. I get incredibly self-conscious about certain things. That's on my list of things to figure out why.

I had this thought one day where I considered using something other than a paintbrush to paint with. What about a chopstick? So I painted with a chopstick, and a fork, and a sewing needle! It was great. They gave me more control and I like smallish scale detail rather than larger, which is what I inevitably end up doing with paintbrushes. Give me a paint brush and I go a bit crazy, haha.

I'm going to keep painting, see how it goes, until I fill the art book I got. Then I'll decide if I'll keep doing it or not. I'm yet to decide if I find it relaxing. Maybe it's been so long since I truly relaxed I don't remember what it feels like. Oh jeez, that's ridiculous.

Here's to finding new interests 💗

Painting and Relaxing Hobbies

 I decided the other day I am going to attempt to paint. Yep. I love art. I've never studied it, I've only ever appreciated it. I am a creative person, but I'm not sure about artistic. I've always wanted to paint. I say always wanted to, but I have attempted it several times before. Usually I get frustrated with it because I can't replicate the detail in my head. I have very high standards which I've been working on loosening, but that's another post for another day.

I love colour and each time I have painted in the past it's always with blocks of colour. The last time I attempted to paint though, it became a mess of browns and blacks. I was very angry and depressed at the time so that may be why.... 

There's a couple of reasons for why I want to attempt painting. Firstly I have a huge issue with relaxing. It's so difficult. After my bout of physio for my lower back and bunched nerve, I realised the CPTSD, OCD, and anxiety are keeping my muscles clenched all the bloody time. The hypervigilance doesn't help, but if I zone out enough to not notice my surroundings then I go and dissociate. I'm trying to relax and be mindful. I struggle to meditate these days too, or sit long enough to do yoga.