My Fitbit Broke

 My Fitbit broke the other day and I think it might be a great thing.

I've been using a fitness tracker, off and on, since 2012. First Fitbit, then Garmin, and back to Fitbit. In 2012 I was suffering from muscle weakness after years of being unwell with ME/CFS (myalgic encephalomyelitis/chronic fatigue syndrome) and FM (fibromyalgia) to the point of being bed-bound for quite some time. I was fortunate to move out west and receive wonderful health care by people in the profession who gave a shit and didn't ascribe my condition to depression or being lazy 😒 

Yeah, the whole ME/CFS and FMS experience I had with health professionals back then is definitely a sore point for me. Anyway, back to what I was saying before I go off on a tangent. 

I was diagnosed with pulmonary embolus (three blood clots in the lungs) in late 2012. By this point I wasn't eating, existing on sustagen instead, and just a mess. Mentally and physically. The benefits of using a fitness tracker, at the time, was the motivation it gave me to reach my goals of slowly, oh so slowly, building up my muscle mass again. It was hard work, but I had to introduce movement back into my life no matter how much pain I was in. Not only had I been diagnosed with a PE, but it turns out I have a gene mutation which causes excess clotting. 

I didn't process the trauma of having PE very well. The benefits of using a fitness tracker were still there, but I also have anxiety and OCD so... eventually the fitness tracker became a problem as well. 

Mardi Gras 2021

 I went to the 2021 Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras last Saturday. I go almost every year. It's Gay Christmas after all. It's a huge special event in the queer community. Usually I don't watch the parade though. I dress up, paint my face, and go clubbing with my friends. We have pre-drinks and then we head into the city and dance all night. Well my friends and partner dance all night. I start dancing, then space out, and end up going outside to make friends with total strangers. All the while spacing out hardcore. It took me awhile to realise there were certain triggers cropping up when I was out clubbing. I'm still trying to figure out the need to leave my group of friends, go outside, and socialise, but I'll get there.

There are several reasons why I don't usually watch the parade. Given Mardi Gras is a popular event of course you're going to have to get there early to grab a good spot for viewing. I don't like being hemmed in, touched and pushed, exposed to smells which will set off my allergies, and these are all things which happen during the parade. I realised recently the other thing I don't like about parades aren't the parades themselves, but the sensory stimulation. There's a lot going on. There's a great deal of noise. It puts me on edge.

Grounding Techniques for Dissociation

Dissociation, derealisation, depersonalisation, are all funny things. The 3D's are a coping mechanism which can be great and horrible. When our bodies and minds are going through crises our brain sends us off into lala land to cope. Unfortunately, later on, it can become chronic. Your brain and body still think you're in danger and once again will send you off to lala land. Sometimes daily, sometimes weekly, sometimes completely out of the blue.

When I say lala land I don't mean being out of touch with reality due to ignorance or a blissful state. If only. No, I mean you struggle to connect with physical reality. There's different degrees of dissociation. In my experience I've had where I don't feel real, I don't feel like a real person, I can't feel my emotions, and I've felt like I am having an out-of-body experience where I am watching myself function. It's pretty horrible and scary if you don't know what's going on. 

Here's more info for dissociative disorders.

So how do you overcome it? I think a big part of it is to recognise it is actually happening and what is triggering your episodes. For this I recommend therapy. Get the help to learn how to identify what's going on.

Other than that, grounding techniques. Grounding techniques are great. You can use them for more than dissociating. I use them for depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and PTSD rage.

How I Understand Mental Illness

 What is mental illness? As I understand it. I can only ever explain something as I see it and if I've experienced it. The answer to what is mental illness might be an obvious answer to some, but not everyone. There's mental illness and then there's chronic mental illness too.

First off, health is not just physical. It's mind, body, spirit. If one is out of balance then, at some point, another part will be affected. All three are equally as important. NB: With spirit I mean your go-juice, what makes you happy, what gets you out of bed in the morning, your thirst for being. 

For me to best explain mental illness as I understand it then I must start with physical and genetic disorders. It all starts before you're even born. From the moment of conception you're already set up for predisposition. You're predisposed if your family history has cancer, stroke, heart disease, fibromyalgia, diabetes, alzheimers, blood clots, and the list goes on.

Not everything is purely down to genes. I have a prothrombin 20210 gene mutation. One of my parents has it and there was a 50% chance I would get it. I didn't find out I had it until I had a blood clot (pulmonary embolism) when I was 29. My chances are up because I am predisposed to developing clots, but why did I go 29 years without developing a clot?

Introducing the environmental factors. At the time I had pulmonary embolism I was quite unwell. I was underweight, suffering from muscle weakness, I had anaemia, and when I went christmas shopping I ended up spending two whole days in bed. I wasn't moving and I was probably dehydrated. So I got some clots.

Anhedonia!

I am excited.... I'm having a moment. In my first post I mentioned there is a condition I have and couldn't remember the name of it. Was having a brain fart. For days, apparently. All I could remember was there was an "A" and a "H."

In the original post I said I would post about it when I remembered the name, so here I am.

It's Anhedonia!

anhedonia

/ˌanhɪˈdəʊnɪə/

Learn to pronounce

noun

PSYCHIATRY

inability to feel pleasure in normally pleasurable activities.

THIS^ has been my life for the longest time. It's weird, I didn't really know the impact of it until things began to improve. Albeit marginally, but still improvement enough for me to have an "oh?" moment. 

Literally. 

I don't remember what I was doing, but one day I was in the middle of something and I felt enjoyment from my activity. It was fleeting, but it was wonderful.

I FELT SOMETHING DIFFERENT.