From Therapy to The Future

 I just had a full day of therapy and I feel like my brain is about to explode. I need to stare into space for an hour to process. A full day is appointments with my psychologist and psychiatrist, 2 hours tops, but holy shit it's enough to melt my brain. 

They were really good sessions, but I think the reason my brain is melting is because of the topics we discussed. It's really hitting home for me how disruptive and erratic my life has been. I've been living day-to-day, taking everything as it comes. I've needed to in the past and it's what I am accustomed to. Now I've been presented with the idea I can create goals for my life and strive for something in the future. It's just.... WTF dude?

This is where I am in my life. I've been working so hard on reaching the goal of normalcy, stability, well-rounded health for so long I haven't truly believed I could get there. Now I'm almost at a precipice where these possibilities are somewhere on the horizon and every time it comes up my mind is blown. I'm starting to think my head actually hurts after these moments because my brain is being forced to change. It needs to change for me to actually accept all these ideas can be a part of my life. It's flooring. I don't know what I want to do with myself. Part of me wants to cry.

I'm sure this sounds dramatic to someone out there, especially when their life has been full of stability and consistency. That doesn't throw me at all. I'm actually happy for those people, but to me they are also unicorns. We're talking about a unicorn life here. Unicorns all over the place. Unicorn city

I've been working with my psych, let's call him Dr Green, to finally balance out my chemical imbalance. Last session he upped my SSRIs from 20 to 25mg. I was feeling improvement at the time, but was still apathetic and having intense moments of sadness. I've had MDD for so long that today I said to him I don't know what my emotions are meant to be. 

We realised I don't have a baseline to reference back to. There isn't a point before everything where I can say "oh yeah, that's how I felt and I'm there again." It doesn't exist. 38 years of this .... the before never fucking existed. 

Are you starting to understand why my brain hurts now? 

This current time in my life is the most stable and mentally healthy I've ever experienced. I love it, I'm grateful for it, and I can definitely feel the difference. I still have a ways to go. I have to continue untangling myself from all the coping mechanisms and maladaptive behaviours I've developed. I still need to work through my trauma therapy.

Dr Green said, as I don't have a time to reference back to, then we need to create it. My homework is to sit down and come up with some goals for the next 12 months, then 2 years, then 5 years. It doesn't mean things won't happen in those times, but it does mean it's possible for me to think further. I don't have to live my life day-to-day, week-to-week, I can have stability and a future. I can imagine what my life could be and possibly make it real. 

🦄