Emotional Dysregulation? Maybe

 It's common for someone with (C)PTSD to have emotional dysregulation and issues with expressing their emotions. I know I do. I've always struggled with expressing my emotions. When you're a child and you're told your emotions are bad, or are punished for expressing them, doesn't it make sense to have an issue with expressing yourself?

When I was a child I was told my emotions were bad, I was punished for expressing them, I mostly received negative reactions to them whether I was sad, angry, frustrated, or happy. This continued for many years, after childhood, but by my adolescence I had learned to suppress them. I had learnt suppression is a good thing, it keeps you safe. Unfortunately, when you bottle them up, the emotions would be let out in extremes. To the point where I would make others uncomfortable or scare them. I myself would be frightened of their intensity and my inability to get a grip on myself again. 

I questioned, during my late adolescence and times of drawn-out emotional suppression, if I was a sociopath. I didn't understand then what was going on. Why didn't I have emotional responses like other people? Why wasn't I feeling anything at times? Emotions, to me, can be incredibly confusing. Most of the time I am questioning what I am feeling and the reaction I am having. I've become detached as a way to cope.

I know these days I'm not a sociopath. I have great empathy for people and animals. I want to help people in order to help them and make their situation better, not to own or control them. Something of which I have actually witnessed so therefore it further enforces for me there is something going on with my emotions, but not psychopathy of any kind.

Mrs Yellow has been encouraging me to express my emotions, especially now we are doing emotive-type therapy and working our way up to EMDR, but it's incredibly difficult for me. I find it painful at times. Literally. If I feel sadness and am moved to tears I will feel pain in other parts of my body when I attempt to suppress it. I know it's healthier not to suppress emotions, I'm aware of it, but it's a hard habit to break. I just don't feel safe enough most of the time.

A fascinating thing has been happening though. When I am feeling emotions, and they are not overt, I say it out loud. One day I was feeling happiness and contentment for a whole day. I said, "I am happy." In part because I was shocked after having depression for so long. I feel I express it verbally as I'm not sure if I am physically showing it, so therefore I say it to my partner. Another reason is I am so confused by the emotions I am feeling, as mentioned earlier, and partially the verbal expression is a question to myself. Is this right? I'll have some internal acknowledgement as though I have asked myself the question and then I allow myself to wonder at it. It's also a surprise at being able to feel it, but not to the point where it's overt and I'm able to express it, feel it, without being punished for it.

I'll do this too with other emotions. I have said, "I am sad," or questioned, "I think I'm sad." Other times I will admit I don't know, I am overwhelmed and confused, and I don't know what to tell you. I find it can be bewildering to be able to express emotions, feel them, and be safe. Imagine that wrapped up in not understanding completely what you are feeling? No wonder I get overwhelmed by it.

Recently I watched a movie, a happy movie, where I cried for an extensive time afterwards. It was intense crying. I've done this several times over the years and remember doing it in my teens. When I've been seeing a movie in the cinema I'll cry right there, but then hold it in until I either get home or can hide in the bathroom. It's almost like it's shameful. I have a thing about avoiding attention too, but I think the reason I really try to hide it in these circumstances is because I see others being brought to tears, but they are usually fine in a few minutes. It makes me feel wrong.

An example is when I saw the remake of A Star is Born with Lady GaGa and Bradley Cooper. I didn't even think I was going to like it. At the end of the movie I cried then stopped, I made it to the bathroom and cried for several minutes, I then made it to the car and balled my eyes out, finally calmed down and then cried again when I got home. We're talking, all up, roughly 40 minutes of crying. When it's a sad movie it makes more sense, but when it's a happy movie I can't tell you what the fuck is going on. I believe this is a combination of trigger response and consequences of suppression.

I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing and attempting to embrace my emotions. I realise I've been longing to truly feel my emotions and express them healthily for the longest time. As for the movie issue? I am going to watch certain sad films and happy films and apply schema therapy to them. If there's a trigger in what I'm watching I really want to know what it is.

Thanks for reading, stay safe ✌