Unhealthy Emotions and Flatness

 Late last year Dr Green switched my medication from Zoloft (sertraline) to Aropax (paroxetine). Zoloft was working great in the beginning, but after some time it became apparent it wasn't working well enough. The doses were either too intense or too low and there wouldn't necessarily be large changes. I'd dissociate more often, have jittery highs, get mired overlong in the lows.

After switching between the two and having the Aropax settle down I became confused about my emotions. I felt flat. I've been dissociating on and off since I remember so I wasn't surprised to be feeling like a robot sometimes. It wasn't that. It's not the emotions are missing, but I feel as though I can't truly feel them.

I've mentioned this flatness to Dr Green during our last two sessions. I've been so perplexed by it. What is this? I wondered if this was the Aropax. Was it the zombie feeling people sometimes described when they went on anti-depressants? 

No.

I've noticed when there is an excited moment I don't have an excited reaction. Take for instance the happiness and excitement that comes when you purchase tickets to see a big name band you haven't seen before. To me I know there is happiness, but I want to feel it more.

After a chat with Dr Green about this it has come to my attention that I was one of those people with up and down intense emotions. When I was sad, obviously a lot given depression, I was fucking sad. It took over my whole being. I felt it so deeply I couldn't function anymore. When I was angry I raged. Once again it took over my whole being. I saw red and was blinded by it. My emotions were incredibly visceral when they cropped up and in this was normalcy for me. 

Intense emotions all the time, it turns out, aren't normal and are destabilising. They are the exact opposite of what I have been striving for in my life; stability and well-adjustment. It's blown my mind.

It's blown my mind to be made aware the intensity of my emotions weren't healthy. It's still blowing my mind. It's also blowing my mind to realise I grew up with this and there are people in my family whom have this issue. The emotions aren't wildly swinging either, they are just intense when I've been in them.

I'm not sure what to do with this information, but coupled with realising I don't have a baseline I think I have to learn how to adjust. Isn't it fucked up, I've been like this for 38 years and only now been made aware of it? Only now I've realised I need to relearn so much about living and day-to-day life that people have already been able to learn. Just the balancing act of the minutiae of day-to-day is overwhelming for me, now I have to relearn my emotions and what my baseline is. To top it all off, I am missing the intensity of my unhealthy emotions!

I wouldn't change things though. I would still strive for normalcy and well-adjustment. I would still seek help and treatment. If I could do it all over again. I would do everything I can to reach the point I have so far. It may be bewildering at times, I may feel stunted sometimes, and lost at others, but I'd still do the same thing.