Winston Needs Medicine and It's Triggering

 I have two rabbits. Winston and Hazel. Hazel is the youngest at around 4 years old. Winston is my oldest, at roughly 9 years, and MY BOI. Back in 2012 I was socially isolated and not coping. Instead of adopting a dog, as I was going to do with my ex, I went with a rabbit.

I didn't realise back then I had CPTSD and my hypervigilance was off the charts. I love dogs. I love all animals. I just couldn't be around dogs because they would trigger my startle response with their barking. I thought it was the ME/CFS sensitivities at the time, but now I know better. I was intensely startled every time a dog barked.

Long story short, yes there is more story, I went and adopted a rabbit. It wasn't Winston. It was my beloved Fiver whom I named after Fiver in Watership Down by Richard Adams. Fiver saved my sanity at the time and unfortunately he passed away after six months of me adopting him. That's a trauma story I am saving for Mrs Yellow.

I was still socially isolated, suffering from depression, and quite unwell after Fiver passed. I lasted two weeks before the lack of sound little padded feet made started to drive me madder and I adopted Winston in 2013. That's a long time to have a bunny companion. He has been there for my depression, kept me going when I was suicidal, gave me a reason to get up in the morning. We bonded hard when I adopted him. I have been dreading him getting older...

Emotional Dysregulation? Maybe

 It's common for someone with (C)PTSD to have emotional dysregulation and issues with expressing their emotions. I know I do. I've always struggled with expressing my emotions. When you're a child and you're told your emotions are bad, or are punished for expressing them, doesn't it make sense to have an issue with expressing yourself?

When I was a child I was told my emotions were bad, I was punished for expressing them, I mostly received negative reactions to them whether I was sad, angry, frustrated, or happy. This continued for many years, after childhood, but by my adolescence I had learned to suppress them. I had learnt suppression is a good thing, it keeps you safe. Unfortunately, when you bottle them up, the emotions would be let out in extremes. To the point where I would make others uncomfortable or scare them. I myself would be frightened of their intensity and my inability to get a grip on myself again. 

I questioned, during my late adolescence and times of drawn-out emotional suppression, if I was a sociopath. I didn't understand then what was going on. Why didn't I have emotional responses like other people? Why wasn't I feeling anything at times? Emotions, to me, can be incredibly confusing. Most of the time I am questioning what I am feeling and the reaction I am having. I've become detached as a way to cope.

Unhealthy Emotions and Flatness

 Late last year Dr Green switched my medication from Zoloft (sertraline) to Aropax (paroxetine). Zoloft was working great in the beginning, but after some time it became apparent it wasn't working well enough. The doses were either too intense or too low and there wouldn't necessarily be large changes. I'd dissociate more often, have jittery highs, get mired overlong in the lows.

After switching between the two and having the Aropax settle down I became confused about my emotions. I felt flat. I've been dissociating on and off since I remember so I wasn't surprised to be feeling like a robot sometimes. It wasn't that. It's not the emotions are missing, but I feel as though I can't truly feel them.

I've mentioned this flatness to Dr Green during our last two sessions. I've been so perplexed by it. What is this? I wondered if this was the Aropax. Was it the zombie feeling people sometimes described when they went on anti-depressants? 

No.

Triggering Repressed Trauma

I don't really like blogging about my traumas in detail, but the following one I can. For those with triggers, it doesn't involve abuse or sexual assault at all. It's an unprovoked trauma brought about by an accident involving escalators.

This trauma is one I don't actually remember. I know it happened because I was told about it, numerous times. I don't know if I'm traumatised by the event, or the retelling of the event, or both. Whichever it is, I'll always wear shoes on an escalator without fail and that's the extent of my issues with escalators. I'm not scared of them.

When I was young, under the age of 5, my mum used to take me with her when she'd go shopping. One day, at our usual shopping centre entry, I went on the down escalators without shoes on. I'm not going to go in to what led up to me being shoeless as that's a trigger for me, but I was shoeless and with my mum.

Next thing you know my pinkie toe has gotten caught in the side, I'm screaming and crying, there's blood everywhere, and I think I needed stitches. I have the scar on my toe, it goes almost the whole way around! So it must have been pretty horrendous. Again, I don't know, I can't recall it.