Emotional Dysregulation? Maybe

 It's common for someone with (C)PTSD to have emotional dysregulation and issues with expressing their emotions. I know I do. I've always struggled with expressing my emotions. When you're a child and you're told your emotions are bad, or are punished for expressing them, doesn't it make sense to have an issue with expressing yourself?

When I was a child I was told my emotions were bad, I was punished for expressing them, I mostly received negative reactions to them whether I was sad, angry, frustrated, or happy. This continued for many years, after childhood, but by my adolescence I had learned to suppress them. I had learnt suppression is a good thing, it keeps you safe. Unfortunately, when you bottle them up, the emotions would be let out in extremes. To the point where I would make others uncomfortable or scare them. I myself would be frightened of their intensity and my inability to get a grip on myself again. 

I questioned, during my late adolescence and times of drawn-out emotional suppression, if I was a sociopath. I didn't understand then what was going on. Why didn't I have emotional responses like other people? Why wasn't I feeling anything at times? Emotions, to me, can be incredibly confusing. Most of the time I am questioning what I am feeling and the reaction I am having. I've become detached as a way to cope.

Unhealthy Emotions and Flatness

 Late last year Dr Green switched my medication from Zoloft (sertraline) to Aropax (paroxetine). Zoloft was working great in the beginning, but after some time it became apparent it wasn't working well enough. The doses were either too intense or too low and there wouldn't necessarily be large changes. I'd dissociate more often, have jittery highs, get mired overlong in the lows.

After switching between the two and having the Aropax settle down I became confused about my emotions. I felt flat. I've been dissociating on and off since I remember so I wasn't surprised to be feeling like a robot sometimes. It wasn't that. It's not the emotions are missing, but I feel as though I can't truly feel them.

I've mentioned this flatness to Dr Green during our last two sessions. I've been so perplexed by it. What is this? I wondered if this was the Aropax. Was it the zombie feeling people sometimes described when they went on anti-depressants? 

No.

Catching Up II

 So it's May....

I was just checking what I posted last and realised my last post was March. What have I been doing in all that time? April felt like it was about four days long. Easter happened, therapy, more painting, plans for the future, Dune, and crochet.

I went to the Easter Show. Let's start there seeing as I went the first weekend after it opened and that's pretty much in the beginning of April. I was really excited about the Easter Show. I was more excited about it than I was about Mardi Gras which is saying something. Gay Christmas and all.

I hadn't been in a few years, I think. I was going to say I haven't been since I was 14, but I feel like I've gone as an adult and possibly repressed it... Either that or I went with someone I'm not fond of anymore. Either way - REPRESSED.

Basically I was excited because it was an event I could actually participate in and I haven't been post-PTSD-treatment. I may be midst treatment, but there's been so much progress. I want to try out things with my fresher level of awareness and with my grounding techniques in place. The Easter Show is also where I remember going to as a kid and watching the parade, but blocking it from my memory. Everything else around the parade I remember, including the large frog hat I wore and being on my father's shoulders, but the parade? Apparently fuck the parade. I didn't see it this time 'round either. I forgot about it.

I didn't flip out and enjoyed myself. I dissociated at times, but not all day. I even went on a ride, The Pirate's Revenge, and didn't hate it. I've now figured out heights can be scary, but it's more the vertigo I get and then the motion sickness from movement. I'll probably not go on a roller coaster, but I will consider more rides.

What else?

Mardi Gras 2021

 I went to the 2021 Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras last Saturday. I go almost every year. It's Gay Christmas after all. It's a huge special event in the queer community. Usually I don't watch the parade though. I dress up, paint my face, and go clubbing with my friends. We have pre-drinks and then we head into the city and dance all night. Well my friends and partner dance all night. I start dancing, then space out, and end up going outside to make friends with total strangers. All the while spacing out hardcore. It took me awhile to realise there were certain triggers cropping up when I was out clubbing. I'm still trying to figure out the need to leave my group of friends, go outside, and socialise, but I'll get there.

There are several reasons why I don't usually watch the parade. Given Mardi Gras is a popular event of course you're going to have to get there early to grab a good spot for viewing. I don't like being hemmed in, touched and pushed, exposed to smells which will set off my allergies, and these are all things which happen during the parade. I realised recently the other thing I don't like about parades aren't the parades themselves, but the sensory stimulation. There's a lot going on. There's a great deal of noise. It puts me on edge.

Grounding Techniques for Dissociation

Dissociation, derealisation, depersonalisation, are all funny things. The 3D's are a coping mechanism which can be great and horrible. When our bodies and minds are going through crises our brain sends us off into lala land to cope. Unfortunately, later on, it can become chronic. Your brain and body still think you're in danger and once again will send you off to lala land. Sometimes daily, sometimes weekly, sometimes completely out of the blue.

When I say lala land I don't mean being out of touch with reality due to ignorance or a blissful state. If only. No, I mean you struggle to connect with physical reality. There's different degrees of dissociation. In my experience I've had where I don't feel real, I don't feel like a real person, I can't feel my emotions, and I've felt like I am having an out-of-body experience where I am watching myself function. It's pretty horrible and scary if you don't know what's going on. 

Here's more info for dissociative disorders.

So how do you overcome it? I think a big part of it is to recognise it is actually happening and what is triggering your episodes. For this I recommend therapy. Get the help to learn how to identify what's going on.

Other than that, grounding techniques. Grounding techniques are great. You can use them for more than dissociating. I use them for depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and PTSD rage.

Dissociation isn't a Joke, but Gratitude is Sweet.

Following is a combination of topic and dissociating. You're welcome to read all of it or skip to the topic of gratitude by scrolling down to this highlighted colour.

While I was typing gratitude in the title the 'D' on my bluetooth keyboard decided it would pop out halfway. I use a bluetooth keyboard as my Mac is 10 years old and the built-in keyboard stopped working awhile ago. A year ago I probably would have seen this as a shitty thing. I'm used to things not working out right, but that's a subject for another post. I say, before I digress way down a rabbit hole.

Anyway, so gratitude. I've noticed when my perspective is stuck somewhere after going through a downward spiral I am far less open to suggestions and advice. I even have a post coming up about being defiant and combative with advice. Talk about a rabbit hole! I had to switch over to this draft half-way through because holy shit.... Alice hit the landing zone and fell through another hole. 

I'm triggered today. It's coming out in a tangent/dissociative mood. I will attempt to be as concise and on point as possible. I promise not to unleash my full Alice Brain on you, but this is what it's like when you have PTSD, OCD, blah blah, and are trying TO DO THE THING.

I need a moment. And after some very mindful eating....