From Therapy to The Future

 I just had a full day of therapy and I feel like my brain is about to explode. I need to stare into space for an hour to process. A full day is appointments with my psychologist and psychiatrist, 2 hours tops, but holy shit it's enough to melt my brain. 

They were really good sessions, but I think the reason my brain is melting is because of the topics we discussed. It's really hitting home for me how disruptive and erratic my life has been. I've been living day-to-day, taking everything as it comes. I've needed to in the past and it's what I am accustomed to. Now I've been presented with the idea I can create goals for my life and strive for something in the future. It's just.... WTF dude?

This is where I am in my life. I've been working so hard on reaching the goal of normalcy, stability, well-rounded health for so long I haven't truly believed I could get there. Now I'm almost at a precipice where these possibilities are somewhere on the horizon and every time it comes up my mind is blown. I'm starting to think my head actually hurts after these moments because my brain is being forced to change. It needs to change for me to actually accept all these ideas can be a part of my life. It's flooring. I don't know what I want to do with myself. Part of me wants to cry.

I'm sure this sounds dramatic to someone out there, especially when their life has been full of stability and consistency. That doesn't throw me at all. I'm actually happy for those people, but to me they are also unicorns. We're talking about a unicorn life here. Unicorns all over the place. Unicorn city

Dissociation isn't a Joke, but Gratitude is Sweet.

Following is a combination of topic and dissociating. You're welcome to read all of it or skip to the topic of gratitude by scrolling down to this highlighted colour.

While I was typing gratitude in the title the 'D' on my bluetooth keyboard decided it would pop out halfway. I use a bluetooth keyboard as my Mac is 10 years old and the built-in keyboard stopped working awhile ago. A year ago I probably would have seen this as a shitty thing. I'm used to things not working out right, but that's a subject for another post. I say, before I digress way down a rabbit hole.

Anyway, so gratitude. I've noticed when my perspective is stuck somewhere after going through a downward spiral I am far less open to suggestions and advice. I even have a post coming up about being defiant and combative with advice. Talk about a rabbit hole! I had to switch over to this draft half-way through because holy shit.... Alice hit the landing zone and fell through another hole. 

I'm triggered today. It's coming out in a tangent/dissociative mood. I will attempt to be as concise and on point as possible. I promise not to unleash my full Alice Brain on you, but this is what it's like when you have PTSD, OCD, blah blah, and are trying TO DO THE THING.

I need a moment. And after some very mindful eating....

Anhedonia!

I am excited.... I'm having a moment. In my first post I mentioned there is a condition I have and couldn't remember the name of it. Was having a brain fart. For days, apparently. All I could remember was there was an "A" and a "H."

In the original post I said I would post about it when I remembered the name, so here I am.

It's Anhedonia!

anhedonia

/ˌanhɪˈdəʊnɪə/

Learn to pronounce

noun

PSYCHIATRY

inability to feel pleasure in normally pleasurable activities.

THIS^ has been my life for the longest time. It's weird, I didn't really know the impact of it until things began to improve. Albeit marginally, but still improvement enough for me to have an "oh?" moment. 

Literally. 

I don't remember what I was doing, but one day I was in the middle of something and I felt enjoyment from my activity. It was fleeting, but it was wonderful.

I FELT SOMETHING DIFFERENT.