Dissociation isn't a Joke, but Gratitude is Sweet.

Following is a combination of topic and dissociating. You're welcome to read all of it or skip to the topic of gratitude by scrolling down to this highlighted colour.

While I was typing gratitude in the title the 'D' on my bluetooth keyboard decided it would pop out halfway. I use a bluetooth keyboard as my Mac is 10 years old and the built-in keyboard stopped working awhile ago. A year ago I probably would have seen this as a shitty thing. I'm used to things not working out right, but that's a subject for another post. I say, before I digress way down a rabbit hole.

Anyway, so gratitude. I've noticed when my perspective is stuck somewhere after going through a downward spiral I am far less open to suggestions and advice. I even have a post coming up about being defiant and combative with advice. Talk about a rabbit hole! I had to switch over to this draft half-way through because holy shit.... Alice hit the landing zone and fell through another hole. 

I'm triggered today. It's coming out in a tangent/dissociative mood. I will attempt to be as concise and on point as possible. I promise not to unleash my full Alice Brain on you, but this is what it's like when you have PTSD, OCD, blah blah, and are trying TO DO THE THING.

I need a moment. And after some very mindful eating....

When I began seeking therapy, for everything, I was determined to keep an open mind. Practicing gratitude has come up and at first I was very "yeah, nah" about it all. Very Aussie of me lol. Literally though. It was a very "yeah, nah" response. In my head.

Then I tried it. 

I'm not consistent with it, but I have noticed how it has affected me and my perspective. As well as showing my progress with therapy in general. When I first began the items listed were seemingly basic, to me. I struggled to find things to be grateful for. I didn't want my go to to always be my partner or my rabbits. Which of course the first day those were two of the items listed. 

I realise now my beginning items were always basic, but profound, and short-sighted as I was surviving and my world was kept close to me. Eventually my world has opened up and I'm letting more in with experiences and people. Naturally my gratefulness reflects this. On the days where I am struggling the lists will change to reflect it. It's fascinating to me, but also a gauge to see where I am and how I am doing.

For instance, to begin I'd list 3 things to be grateful for. In the beginning it was being grateful for breathing, for being alive, having food, living with a roof over my head, sunshine, plants, toast. I never wanted to repeat myself either and when I struggled I had to stop and look around me for inspiration.

Eventually I shifted focus to being grateful for therapy, being able to walk, having access to specialists, having a balcony so I could go outside without going outside (agoraphobia is a big thing for me), having the ability to do things like gardening and crochet, for remembering something.

Now I'm more along the lines of being grateful for having people in my life, being able to go outside and exercise, being able to go out for coffee with my Moeke (Dutch for mum), for where I live, for all the specialists in my life, my medications, and I don't struggle to list just 3 any more. I struggle to stop listing things haha!

No matter where I am with my mood I have noticed I am always grateful for my partner and my rabbits, but I have also noticed I am more often grateful for being alive. Being able to list what I'm grateful for is more than just trying to change your perspective and get you out of the repetitive depressive thought loops. I've learnt it helps me to stop being overly introspective and to consider something outside of myself and my pain. 

It's also a great grounding technique. When I feel myself slipping into depressive mode I apply gratitude. My turning point begins usually when I hit 3 items. I'm not out of the woods yet, but just 3 makes a difference in the moment and sets me up for other techniques I have lined up.

I hope I ended up definitely being concise and less Alice Brain! Thank you for reading 💗