This trauma is one I don't actually remember. I know it happened because I was told about it, numerous times. I don't know if I'm traumatised by the event, or the retelling of the event, or both. Whichever it is, I'll always wear shoes on an escalator without fail and that's the extent of my issues with escalators. I'm not scared of them.
When I was young, under the age of 5, my mum used to take me with her when she'd go shopping. One day, at our usual shopping centre entry, I went on the down escalators without shoes on. I'm not going to go in to what led up to me being shoeless as that's a trigger for me, but I was shoeless and with my mum.
Next thing you know my pinkie toe has gotten caught in the side, I'm screaming and crying, there's blood everywhere, and I think I needed stitches. I have the scar on my toe, it goes almost the whole way around! So it must have been pretty horrendous. Again, I don't know, I can't recall it.
Today I was grocery shopping with my partner. As always, we had a full trolley. I took a turn pushing it on the way to the car. We went on a travelator, you know the flat escalators, without a thought. The next thing you know the stupid trolley won't come off the end of the travelator even though I gave it a push as I usually do. The trolley had these dumb blocks attached to the side of the wheels for some reason. Maybe to help them catch on the travelators better? I dunno.
Both my partner and I got stopped short because of this bitch of a trolley (I'm still angry with the stupid thing) and of course the travelator doesn't stop so we're getting pushed against the handle bar of the trolley. I should ask my partner how she felt as I assume if you're not triggered you're still going to be shocked at the sudden situation, but not panicky?
After a start and a struggle we managed to get off the travelator. Everything was fine. Except it wasn't. I was shaky and ready to burst into tears. I couldn't catch my breath. I felt the familiar feeling of an unexpected trigger. The event itself wasn't a big deal, only momentarily stressful, but here I was feeling like I wasn't safe and thinking about my foot.
It was weird. It was almost like my body felt the childhood trauma's impact minus the actual sensations. I don't know how to explain it... My immediate reaction, even though I tried to hold it back (I have an issue with drawing attention to myself), was to cry in fear and hold my foot. Is the trauma still in my body or was the reaction brought about by what I had been told almost every time my scar was visible or I was on an escalator as a child? Fuck, even now when I'm near or on an escalator with my mum the story can come up (I think my mum was quite traumatised from the event too).
The thing is I was triggered to feel an instinctual and bodily reaction to what happened today, but I wasn't assailed by any memory whatsoever. This is an example of a flashback without the imagery. Usually people expect a flashback means being assailed by the visuals of memory, but it can be emotional or physical. Today it was definitely emotional and physical for me. I'm just surprised about it as almost every other flashback, even when it has only been emotional or physical, is connected to something I can remember.
It's been a couple of hours and I'm still unsettled which is why I'm blogging about it. Mrs Yellow said to process a trauma it's best to talk about it or, if you can't talk, journal it. I know I'm safe and nothing actually happened. It was just a trigger, a strong one for sure, but a trigger all the same. I'm determined to process it and am going to practice grounding for the rest of the night.
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