Winston Needs Medicine and It's Triggering

 I have two rabbits. Winston and Hazel. Hazel is the youngest at around 4 years old. Winston is my oldest, at roughly 9 years, and MY BOI. Back in 2012 I was socially isolated and not coping. Instead of adopting a dog, as I was going to do with my ex, I went with a rabbit.

I didn't realise back then I had CPTSD and my hypervigilance was off the charts. I love dogs. I love all animals. I just couldn't be around dogs because they would trigger my startle response with their barking. I thought it was the ME/CFS sensitivities at the time, but now I know better. I was intensely startled every time a dog barked.

Long story short, yes there is more story, I went and adopted a rabbit. It wasn't Winston. It was my beloved Fiver whom I named after Fiver in Watership Down by Richard Adams. Fiver saved my sanity at the time and unfortunately he passed away after six months of me adopting him. That's a trauma story I am saving for Mrs Yellow.

I was still socially isolated, suffering from depression, and quite unwell after Fiver passed. I lasted two weeks before the lack of sound little padded feet made started to drive me madder and I adopted Winston in 2013. That's a long time to have a bunny companion. He has been there for my depression, kept me going when I was suicidal, gave me a reason to get up in the morning. We bonded hard when I adopted him. I have been dreading him getting older...

So last Wednesday Winston's breathing was laboured and my SO and I rushed Winston to an exotic veterinary hospital. Hazel went along for the ride as I don't like to separate bonded rabbits. It was the furthest we'd been in ages! Luckily the vet hospital were able to fit him in and while they observed him and checked him out we went home. These days, with lockdown, they don't let you in the building. They do phone consultations instead.

Unfortunately, actually everything was unfortunate, but more unfortunately I have a trauma associated with taking Fiver to a veterinary hospital so that was triggered. I think I handled it well though.

So waiting around at home I got a phone call letting me know what was happening and to keep me in the loop when Winston was going for x-rays. Winston has a mass pressing on his trachea which is disrupting his breathing. The next course of action was to administer different medicines, including a penicillin injection, over the following two weeks. 

RANT - Actually the next course of action was to give him an ultrasound and biopsy, but that costs $800 all up and so far the x-ray plus consultation was at $410. I know vets are expensive and pets are not cheap. I also know exotic vets can be very expensive when coupled with procedures. I was aware of these things, but given I'm on DSP, it's covid, and my medical costs already take up most of my income, spending $1200 on a vet visit without even adding medicine yet was bullshit to me.  

I say bullshit not because I don't think the vets are important and shouldn't be acknowledged for their work, but because so many people have exotic pets that they basically are not exotic. I have rabbits, my SO has a cousin with a rabbit, I have friends with rabbits, I saw a delightful pet parrot the other day, one of my nieces has a lizard, I know people with ferrets... I know less people with dogs or cats compared to people with exotic pets. I get why they're called exotic, it's their body types, and delicacy needed, and not that they are rare, but it still pisses me off. The over abundance of vets compared to exotic vets is stupid. The fact that there's also no pet insurance offered for anything other than cats and dogs also pisses me off. A lot pisses me off!

MAD RANT - See, I'm mad now. Urgh. I'm frustrated. I do everything that is needed for my rabbits, and even beyond as I've been told, and yet their vet bills are so outrageously high. It doesn't help that no matter what the outcome would have been, infection or cancer, the treatment would be the same.

I've been holding in my feelings. This is a topic which has come up with Mrs Yellow. I don't feel I am allowed to express my emotions so I bottle them up and that is never helpful. SO FARK. - END OF ALL RANTS

I said no to the ultrasound and it was decided he would be best at home when I told them he was eating and doing his normal thing. I was to give him injections, tablets, and an oral liquid every day. The last two have been fine, he eats them up like it's candy. He is so good. The injections have been an issue though.

I am Type 1 Diabetic, but I do have a trauma associated with needles that is from after my diagnosis. Several years after. Every time I try and inject Winston I am not only triggered and flashback to this trauma, but a few of my schemas are triggered as well. After a few tries, because I am stubborn and have overly high standards, I end up getting the shakes and then the other day I ended up crying. 

So Winston has only had one full dose of his penicillin because I took him to the local vet asking for help. 

At first I thought I was handling this all quite well. I had a cry and allowed myself to feel sad for a bit, but then I was resolved to be optimistic. Except not injecting him properly is getting to me. Then knowing it could be cancer is also getting to me, but we won't know until he goes back for another x-ray which is another $410 that I don't have because I have two very much needed psych appointments coming up.

Urgh

The good news is Winston is full of beans. Besides both Hazel and Winston shunning us for the rest of the day after the vet, they've both been happy. Winston has been doing binkies, jumping on the couches, exploring, running around the house, and being so active. I really feel he has an infection and not cancer. I'm hoping it's an infection, but without his daily full injection of penicillin how do we get rid of the infection?

I'm going to go be stressed about my OCD brain rolling that little nugget of a question around in my head on a loop.

😣