Anhedonia!

I am excited.... I'm having a moment. In my first post I mentioned there is a condition I have and couldn't remember the name of it. Was having a brain fart. For days, apparently. All I could remember was there was an "A" and a "H."

In the original post I said I would post about it when I remembered the name, so here I am.

It's Anhedonia!

anhedonia

/ˌanhɪˈdəʊnɪə/

Learn to pronounce

noun

PSYCHIATRY

inability to feel pleasure in normally pleasurable activities.

THIS^ has been my life for the longest time. It's weird, I didn't really know the impact of it until things began to improve. Albeit marginally, but still improvement enough for me to have an "oh?" moment. 

Literally. 

I don't remember what I was doing, but one day I was in the middle of something and I felt enjoyment from my activity. It was fleeting, but it was wonderful.

I FELT SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

Since partaking in the appropriate therapy for Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), finally, I did what I have been learning to do; I acknowledged the feeling, questioned it and where it was coming from, and then made connections going very far back. Recovering from trauma and mental illness is like a puzzle. A moment, however fleeting, is finding another piece which will lead to more pieces fitting in. 

Thanks to knowing about anhedonia, and therapy, I can better understand why I have done some of the things I have done in the past. Like drinking or indulging to excess. I wanted to feel more than I was feeling. I wanted to feel something other than the pain and sadness I was buried deep within.

Anhedonia isn't just not feeling enjoyment. Things like MDD, PTSD, and OCD lead to being swamped by low feelings of pain and anguish to the point of frustration, not to mention the constant pervasive thoughts and impulses. Eventually it's your life, all you can feel, and you lose yourself in the murk of it. When you finally can enjoy something, or feel something different, it is a real WTF moment. Honestly I feel like there should have been light shining on me and music playing in the background. It was that eye-opening.

It doesn't mean feelings were completely shut out. I met my partner and closest friends while I was in the thick of it. I have love for my rabbits as well. It's more that I was spending so much time telling people I like something, like reading or writing, but mostly because I knew I had loved those things before. I kept going through the motions not necessarily in the hopes of feeling something different as I already had lost my self in the murk, but it was rote. It was what I knew, surely it's what I should be doing?

Even though I wasn't reading or writing.... for years. I kept trying. I'm stubborn AF. I will keep trying and challenging and going. I'm like the little tugboat that could except maybe less peppy. 

Toot toot 💗