My Fitbit Broke

 My Fitbit broke the other day and I think it might be a great thing.

I've been using a fitness tracker, off and on, since 2012. First Fitbit, then Garmin, and back to Fitbit. In 2012 I was suffering from muscle weakness after years of being unwell with ME/CFS (myalgic encephalomyelitis/chronic fatigue syndrome) and FM (fibromyalgia) to the point of being bed-bound for quite some time. I was fortunate to move out west and receive wonderful health care by people in the profession who gave a shit and didn't ascribe my condition to depression or being lazy 😒 

Yeah, the whole ME/CFS and FMS experience I had with health professionals back then is definitely a sore point for me. Anyway, back to what I was saying before I go off on a tangent. 

I was diagnosed with pulmonary embolus (three blood clots in the lungs) in late 2012. By this point I wasn't eating, existing on sustagen instead, and just a mess. Mentally and physically. The benefits of using a fitness tracker, at the time, was the motivation it gave me to reach my goals of slowly, oh so slowly, building up my muscle mass again. It was hard work, but I had to introduce movement back into my life no matter how much pain I was in. Not only had I been diagnosed with a PE, but it turns out I have a gene mutation which causes excess clotting. 

I didn't process the trauma of having PE very well. The benefits of using a fitness tracker were still there, but I also have anxiety and OCD so... eventually the fitness tracker became a problem as well. 

Up until late last year, if I didn't reach a certain amount of steps for the day, by bedtime I was losing my shit. My anxiety would skyrocket and it would take some time for me to calm down and go to sleep. Earlier I wasn't really sleeping at all. I felt I couldn't stay still for long enough or else I would get another blood clot. This meant sleeping as well. It just messed with my head with the thought of sleeping for several hours. It didn't help I also woke up in the middle of the night with the PE to begin with.

With my OCD I get pretty obsessive with numbers. Then you add the movement reminders on the tracker. It was amazing I sat down and still at all. I could barely sit through a t.v. show. It was exhausting.

Another part of my OCD is checking. I'm compelled to check certain things. After the blood clots I was compelled to check my pulse an excessive amount of times. When I check I don't do it a certain amount of times either, I just keep going. At my worst I will check until I pass out. I'm not joking. It's happened before. 

So you can imagine how much of a crutch the fitness tracker has been when it comes to feeding my anxiety and OCD. I've calmed down since 2012, but it's still a big issue so you can imagine how fucking crazy I was to begin with. 

I'm surprised my Fitbit didn't break earlier. A couple of years ago it got knocked off a bench and the screen was cracked. Then the other weekend I went to a beach where the waves were intense. I hung out in the waves for most of the day. I was doing some wave bashing lol and um, discovered my Fitbit was just dead afterwards. Ooo she so dead. 

At first I didn't really feel anything towards it. I wasn't disappointed or upset, I don't know what I was feeling. Sometimes my emotions are flat, it's another thing I am investigating. 

Over time though I felt like I was having fitness tracker withdrawal. I've been anxious on and off because I can't visually check my steps or pulse. I've taken my pulse a couple of times since and I've found myself having to move as I've been anxious about sitting for too long, but overall I have felt a sense of relief. I guess. 

I'm still aware I need to move and I could develop blood clots if I'm bed-bound for sometime, but I do actually move quite often. I don't sit on my butt all day and I'm not forced to, which is great, so I don't think I have anything to worry about. I still do, of course. Mostly I feel less burdened than before.

Conclusion: Fitness trackers and OCD don't mix.

💗