Crochet: My First Chevron Cowl

This is my second project I've finished for my crochet challenge. I've decided I'm going to make some scarves and cowls for awhile. I figure they would be best to give to shelters and outreach programs, especially if they are going to the homeless, as they would be easier to carry. As much as I love making blankets imagine trying to haul that around when you're homeless? I've found one local shelter I can donate to which is great. 

My First Chevron Cowl

Description

This cowl is multi-coloured neutrals with differing browns, beige, and a splash of red. It's a very warm,
soft, and chunky cowl.

Hook Size and Yarn

Hook: 5.75MM or J/10 Yarn: I combined four different yarns. The same yarns as my red and brown blanket plus one more. At first I was going to stick to the multi-toned browns, but then I began to run out. I added Lion Brand Heartland Thick and Quick in Sequoia, the leftover red yarn I had, and introduced a beige remnant yarn.

Pattern: Granny Chevron Cowl by Zeens and Roger

Overall

Unhealthy Emotions and Flatness

 Late last year Dr Green switched my medication from Zoloft (sertraline) to Aropax (paroxetine). Zoloft was working great in the beginning, but after some time it became apparent it wasn't working well enough. The doses were either too intense or too low and there wouldn't necessarily be large changes. I'd dissociate more often, have jittery highs, get mired overlong in the lows.

After switching between the two and having the Aropax settle down I became confused about my emotions. I felt flat. I've been dissociating on and off since I remember so I wasn't surprised to be feeling like a robot sometimes. It wasn't that. It's not the emotions are missing, but I feel as though I can't truly feel them.

I've mentioned this flatness to Dr Green during our last two sessions. I've been so perplexed by it. What is this? I wondered if this was the Aropax. Was it the zombie feeling people sometimes described when they went on anti-depressants? 

No.

Finding the Right Help for Mental Illness

I just came from my psychiatrist appointment with Dr Green and every time I see him, and Mrs Yellow, I really appreciate how important it is to have the right kind of help. My mental health care team is the fucking best. FARK. SO. GOOD.

If you need help, get it. Don't just settle for what's there or someone who is good enough either. There is someone out there who is right for you. Someone great at their job, almost seeming like they were born to it, who will actually take the time to listen and prescribe treatment catered to you. Find that person. It is possible. 

Dr Green is my third psychiatrist. The first one didn't work out, but neither of us were prepared for my complicated mental health. The second one was a jerk. I can't... talk about traumatising! Fuckwit 😑 I'm still pissed off. I went to him because I was desperate, but hadn't come to terms with everything yet. I'd not been diagnosed appropriately either. He was bulk-billed and I was in financial hardship. I've learnt since that certain bulk-billed specialists are to be questioned.

Crochet: Red and Brown Oma Blanket

 I've finished the first project in my crochet challenge! Let's get one thing out of the way first before I go on. To me, a granny square blanket will always be an Oma blanket. It's what I grew up with. Granted my Oma did more than granny square so therefore all her blankets, as well as her granny square blankets, are called Oma blankets. This includes the ripple stitch blanket we currently have on the couch. It's mostly for me a granny square blanket in its finished stage is an Oma blanket. Calling it such is a hard thing to shake.

Anyway!

My Red and Brown Oma Blanket

Description

This blanket has turned into a multi-toned, mainly deep brown and red, chunky granny square throw. 

Hook Size and Yarn

Hook: 5.75MM or J/10 Yarn: With this project I combined three different yarns. I found two in the yarn bin at Spotlight. #1 was a soft, red, and chunky yarn. #2 was multi-toned in browns, black, and white. #3 was Lion Brand's Heartland Thick and Quick in Sequoia. 

My Crochet Challenge

 Let's face it. Yarn is fun and purchasing it can be addictive. When I first began crocheting I fell in love with yarn before I understood the material I was going to be working with. I bought based on colour and texture. I collected yarn.

On top of that I would go and buy lots of yarn for my Oma. Naturally I would buy more at the time. Some for her, some for me, one for her, two for me. My Oma passed away soon after she'd acquired another shitload of yarn which I then took ownership of and it got swallowed by my already growing collection. 

I now have a SHITLOAD of yarn. 

I've been working on a personal challenge to get through my yarn and only buy something new when it's to help finish a project. I now want to tighten up that challenge and I figured I'd blog about it and share my finished projects. 

I've updated my Ravelry account and shared some of my previous projects on there if anyone wants to check them out. I'm also going to be sharing projects on instagram either as I go or when I'm finished.

Triggering Repressed Trauma

I don't really like blogging about my traumas in detail, but the following one I can. For those with triggers, it doesn't involve abuse or sexual assault at all. It's an unprovoked trauma brought about by an accident involving escalators.

This trauma is one I don't actually remember. I know it happened because I was told about it, numerous times. I don't know if I'm traumatised by the event, or the retelling of the event, or both. Whichever it is, I'll always wear shoes on an escalator without fail and that's the extent of my issues with escalators. I'm not scared of them.

When I was young, under the age of 5, my mum used to take me with her when she'd go shopping. One day, at our usual shopping centre entry, I went on the down escalators without shoes on. I'm not going to go in to what led up to me being shoeless as that's a trigger for me, but I was shoeless and with my mum.

Next thing you know my pinkie toe has gotten caught in the side, I'm screaming and crying, there's blood everywhere, and I think I needed stitches. I have the scar on my toe, it goes almost the whole way around! So it must have been pretty horrendous. Again, I don't know, I can't recall it.

Catching Up II

 So it's May....

I was just checking what I posted last and realised my last post was March. What have I been doing in all that time? April felt like it was about four days long. Easter happened, therapy, more painting, plans for the future, Dune, and crochet.

I went to the Easter Show. Let's start there seeing as I went the first weekend after it opened and that's pretty much in the beginning of April. I was really excited about the Easter Show. I was more excited about it than I was about Mardi Gras which is saying something. Gay Christmas and all.

I hadn't been in a few years, I think. I was going to say I haven't been since I was 14, but I feel like I've gone as an adult and possibly repressed it... Either that or I went with someone I'm not fond of anymore. Either way - REPRESSED.

Basically I was excited because it was an event I could actually participate in and I haven't been post-PTSD-treatment. I may be midst treatment, but there's been so much progress. I want to try out things with my fresher level of awareness and with my grounding techniques in place. The Easter Show is also where I remember going to as a kid and watching the parade, but blocking it from my memory. Everything else around the parade I remember, including the large frog hat I wore and being on my father's shoulders, but the parade? Apparently fuck the parade. I didn't see it this time 'round either. I forgot about it.

I didn't flip out and enjoyed myself. I dissociated at times, but not all day. I even went on a ride, The Pirate's Revenge, and didn't hate it. I've now figured out heights can be scary, but it's more the vertigo I get and then the motion sickness from movement. I'll probably not go on a roller coaster, but I will consider more rides.

What else?