Painting and Relaxing Hobbies

 I decided the other day I am going to attempt to paint. Yep. I love art. I've never studied it, I've only ever appreciated it. I am a creative person, but I'm not sure about artistic. I've always wanted to paint. I say always wanted to, but I have attempted it several times before. Usually I get frustrated with it because I can't replicate the detail in my head. I have very high standards which I've been working on loosening, but that's another post for another day.

I love colour and each time I have painted in the past it's always with blocks of colour. The last time I attempted to paint though, it became a mess of browns and blacks. I was very angry and depressed at the time so that may be why.... 

There's a couple of reasons for why I want to attempt painting. Firstly I have a huge issue with relaxing. It's so difficult. After my bout of physio for my lower back and bunched nerve, I realised the CPTSD, OCD, and anxiety are keeping my muscles clenched all the bloody time. The hypervigilance doesn't help, but if I zone out enough to not notice my surroundings then I go and dissociate. I'm trying to relax and be mindful. I struggle to meditate these days too, or sit long enough to do yoga. 

I want more relaxing hobbies. Reading can be relaxing, but it can also be intense and triggering, depending on what I'm reading. The psychology book I'm reading at the moment triggered me lol of course. Crochet can be relaxing, but I don't really focus on it. It's more something to do when I'm watching a show or a movie. I've learnt recently jigsaw puzzles can be a trigger for me, but I'm working on it, so puzzles will be relaxing one day.

So far the most relaxing, non-triggering, and mindful hobby I have is gardening. Plants are friends and safe. And pretty. 

Another reason why I want to attempt painting is... With a life full of PTSD and coping mechanisms, it's hard to figure out who you are and what you truly enjoy. There's things I do because I learnt to do them to cope. Some things I do for escapism. Other things I do because I need to. I enjoy cooking, but I also have to do it so I can eat healthy meals. How much of my life and my activities pursued are a by-product of my childhood and trauma? That's where I'm at right now and what I want to know.

Therefore I am taking up painting. I'm excited and a touch nervous, but we'll see how it goes.

💗